BURLINGTON – A group of racist people have complained about an new ad on Church Street, claiming that the ad itself is racist, and definitely not them. This unaffiliated group of prejudiced individuals have projected their own biases onto the poster, which Chase Bank has now agreed to remove.
“We were all a little surprised,” said bank representative Chase Chase III, whose name sounded like a good idea at the time. “We were very carefully and intentionally inclusive, because we thought Burlington people liked that sort of thing. But not all of them I suppose.”
The Winooski contacted Mya Wayswright, one of the residents who complained about the ad, and asked her what was so offensive to her about the ad, which depicts people of various genders and skin colors engaged in commerce and conversation.
Mya Wayswright: Look at that disabled black man begging for change from that arrogant white man! It’s disgusting!
The Winooski: Wait, why are you assuming he’s begging for change? He clearly has several full shopping bags next to him.
MW: Those are probably full of cans and bottles that he has been collecting, I mean, come on! It’s obvious!
TW: Is there a reason that you are assuming he is homeless and begging for change? Other than that he is black? Because he is clearly out shopping and holding his hand up to make a point.
MW: He is also disabled! And black! He MUST be a homeless beggar! What other way is there to interpret it?
TW: I see. And what about the darker skinned fellow on the bike?
MW: Yes! You get it! He’s not even on the bikepath! They are depicting him as a thug and violent criminal who is about to mow down a crowd of pedestrians! And the way his head is turned away, I assume towards Mecca? The racism is mind boggling!
TW: Yes….yes it is…
MW: And don’t get me started on the homeless black lady carrying all of her belongings in two shopping bags, trying to get a meal from that snotty looking Karen who’s just like, “don’t even be in my neighborhood!” and it makes me sick.
TW: Couldn’t the white lady just as easily be homeless and have all of her belongings in two shopping bags?
MW: No, it’s in the artistic details, the way the figures are posed, the angles of their bodies, the shades of paint used, it is so clearly a racist attack on minorities.
TW: So you would feel better if everyone in the mural were white then?
MW: What?! Are you calling me racist?! I don’t have a racist bone in my body! I am LITERALLY protecting those people!
TW: Yeah, I think you need to leave our offices. Also, why are are you even here? There is a pandemic going on. We were supposed to do this via Zoom. It is because you’ve been vaccinated already?
MW: Oh no, I’m not letting them put that poison in my body, OR my kids! Vaccines are a government conspiracy meant to hurt minorities. You never see middle class white people getting vaccinated, do you? Makes you think!
TW: I literally see it all day long.
Chase Bank has agreed to remove the ad and replace it with a mural featuring a group of minorities winning the lottery and putting all of their winnings into Chase Bank accounts while several nearby white people lose all of their money in a stock market crash and cry bitterly.
“It was a tough decision,” said Chase, “but if there’s one thing we know around here after a lot of years in the business, it’s that you don’t want to piss off angry middle class ladies with a White Savior complex.”