President Gives Memorial Day Speech, Pays Tribute to Vermont Soldiers

WASHINGTON – The Republican president of the United States gave a speech earlier today, ostensibly to pay tribute to America’s fallen warriors on this solemn day of national remembrance. Our 45th president specifically called attention to some Vermonters who, in his estimation, had given their lives for our nation. The full text of the president’s speech is printed below.

Today, as you know, is Memorial Day. A joyous day of celebration for our great nation, as we take time to remember all of the soldiers who died. Of course, I like soldiers who didn’t die. Right? Come on. But that’s Veteran’s Day. Great holiday, Veteran’s Day. One of my favorites. That’s the one for soldiers like myself, with amazing military background, and who are still alive. Love those guys. Don’t love all the benefits they get, but that’s just me personally. But I love them. Anyway, you can, yeah, but I [unintelligible] for the same thing as those and me. Horrible.

So today, we talk a little about some of the great men who gave their lives to make American great again. Oh, and women too, I guess. Are there women? Really? I don’t know, but I’m going to check on that, believe me. I will find that out. But the men, like my friend Ethan Allen, who is no longer with us. Great guy, Ethan Allen. From the state of Vermont. Stupid state, very dumb state, but Ethan Allen was a fantastic guy. No, I’m not kidding, listen, this guy, huge supporter of mine by the way, fought in so many battles, basically kept North Korea from invading, and I’m not exaggerating here, more than eight times. There’s a huge port in Vermont, leads right into the Pacific Ocean, and North Korea knows this. They don’t know much, but they know this, believe me. And he gets all of these soldiers, these American soldiers, it’s very patriotic, and he fights back, and he keeps the foreigners out of this great country of ours. And now, and this is upsetting, I realize, but now he’s dead.

Take a moment. Go ahead. Let it sink in. Dead. Not kidding. Huge supporter of mine, great guy, gone, just like that. I remember so much about Allen. Nobody else called him Allen, just me. It was his middle name. And I remember Allen , and all of the other soldiers from Vermont, and New Hampshire, and Maine, and the five other New England states, and they didn’t understand why I wasn’t getting the support up there that it seemed, at least from what I was hearing, like I should be getting. I’m not saying voter fraud, but I am definitely saying we’re going to be looking into it. We owe it to all of the brave men who paid the ultimate price, to find out how many votes I really got. Because we all know it was a lot more than everybody said it was. But listen, I’m really tired. I gotta go. I know, I make it look easy, but actually this job is a lot of work. Actually a lot more work than I was told about. Not complaining. I love it. But really. Really? Believe me. Okay. We good here? They’re still looking at me. Can they still hear me? Seriously? Fine. Happy Flag Day comrades! How do you turn this thing off?

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