BURLINGTON – Temperature records continued to shatter this week, as Burlington saw no evidence of climate change. Sunday and Monday, June 11th and 12th, saw temperatures of 94 and 95 degrees respectively, breaking the previous Burlington records of 92 degrees on each day. In what can clearly be described as a coincidence, temperature averages continue to rise steadily.
“It’s crazy,” says local city employee Ted Walton. “I’ve never seen such a huge coincidence! I mean, all these hot days, record temperatures, all happening in an easily recognizable and identifiable pattern? Plus an overwhelming scientific consensus from the most knowledgeable people in the entire world? If I didn’t know better, I’d start to worry about the planet getting too hot, you know what I mean?”
Walton assures The Winooski that, were a devastating environmental catastrophe headed our way, the government would have found out about it and done something to stop it. “I mean, what are the odds that something like this could happen and the people in charge not know about it? Nah, I think it’s just an odd fluke that will sort itself out eventually.”
There is scientific agreement that Walton is correct, and that the planet will indeed “sort itself out” eventually.