SOUTH CANADA – Tuesday’s election results are in for the fledgling nation of South Canada (formerly the Vermont town of Richford), with incoming president Charlene “Skunk” Bedard winning 62% of the vote, former Richford town clerk Alan Fletcher winning 16% of the vote, Hillary Rodham Clinton winning 14% of the vote, and the remaining 8% going to various community members, cartoon characters, and dirty words. These results are consistent with recent polling, although Clinton’s high percentage of votes is unusual for a candidate who is not officially on the ballot.
“Thank you everyone,” Bedard said at a victory party late Tuesday evening after the results were certified. “As your new leader, I promise to make this the best f***ing country in the whole f***ing world! And now, just like I said in my campaign slogan, it’s time to get drunk with The Skunk!”
The party was more solemn over at the former town clerk’s office on Route 139. “I just don’t understand it,” said Fletcher as his supporters slowly trickled out of the building. “I was down in the polls, just like Trump. How did I lose?” One member of the losing campaign team suggested that Fletcher’s choice of running mate may have hurt his chances, as his VP pick failed to attend a single campaign event, and was in fact absent from the election night festivities. The buzz at the after-party was that VP candidate Amy Feznickle, who worked previously as Fletcher’s personal secretary, had not been seen in weeks and, in fact, may not have even been aware she was on the ballot.
“I’m excited!” shouted town sheriff Brad Wetherby over the thumping beat of the “Macarena” at Bedard’s celebration being held at “The Crossing” on Province Street. “Skunk’s gonna be awesome! I voted for Hillary myself, just cause I figured she was running, but I heard maybe she wasn’t? Anyway, who cares? With Skunk in charge, I know the laws are gonna be good, and stuff will be good, and I personally, hold on, I think I see Steve. Steve! Hey, I gotta talk to Steve a minute, could you hold this?” Clinton did not return a request for comment, although her office stated once again that she was never running for president of South Canada, and had never even heard of South Canada.
Bedard will be sworn in later this week, alongside local attorney Steven Hebert as her vice-president. The congressional results are also in, with the five-member body being filled by Sarah Curtis, Madison James, Michael Marshall, Grant Poulin, and Mary Richman. Bedard is expected to announce her cabinet over the next week or two, although when asked about possible cabinet appointments Tuesday evening, she said only “Cabinet? Nah, I live two blocks from here, I’ll just walk.”