MONTPELIER – Despite warnings from The Burlington Free Press, Vermont’s Department of Motor Vehicles has moved toward offering a third gender on driver’s licenses, triggering the events that have led to today’s apocalypse. Many Vermonters have noticed the tumbling mountains, falling stars, and the bleeding moon, and have wondered about the cause. The Winooski can now confirm that the VT DMV’s decision to support a third gender label was the opening of the fifth seal mentioned in the book of Revelation.
“I did everything I could to prevent this,” tweeted Free Press executive editor Denis Finley. “but no one would listen. After the earthquakes, fires, floods, and ongoing wars, it was only a mater of time until the altar of souls was filled with the binary gender conforming slain. As soon as the DMV announced this possibility, the ongoing earthquakes began and then the sun went out. This is bad news for the solar energy movement.”
As the world begins to end around the globe, the apocalypse is being met with mixed reactions. Many people are happy about the move towards inclusive language on licenses, but upset about the famine and disease that have accompanied it. Others are furious about the non-traditional gender options, but excited about the possibility of seeing Jesus in the next few days. Finley himself claims to be at peace with it, saying that he “wasn’t looking for this to happen,” but will try to make the best of it.