Progressives Stage Massive Write-In Campaign

MONTPELIER – In a strategic move that some are calling brilliant, while others are scratching their heads over, the Progressive party in Vermont has chosen to remove every one of their candidates from the ballot this primary election. Calling party politics a “gaping black hole in the universe of democracy,” Progressive party executive director Mark Wronski says that he is taking the vote back to the people.

“The days of party politics are coming to a close,” Wronski said, “at least the way we normally think of them. Candidates no longer need as much money, or such a big endorsement, from the big parties, and we just think it’s unfair to leave anybody off the ballot who might be a good candidate. So we could either submit the name of every eligible person in the state of Vermont, which would be, if I’m being honest, way too much paperwork for me, or we could submit no names at all, and let the voters truly decide who they want in office. It’s essentially the same as having every name represented.”

The Vermont Democrats are confused by the move, with one party leader reportedly saying “So why are they even submitting a ballot at all? You can’t have everyone on the ballot when everyone is not on the ballot! That’s just nonsense? Whose idea was this? Why even bring it up?!”

A more favorable response came from the VT GOP, who said they were pleased that the Progressives were finally clearing out of their path, and that this was finally their year to take control of the state, with pro-Republican sentiment at an all time high, according to their recent poll of VT Republicans over the age of 55.

Election results will not be in until later this evening, which means that you, dear reader, still have time to vote. So whether you fill out a ballot for the Dems, the GOP, or just make up silly names and write them all over the Progressive ballot, we do encourage all Vermonters to vote today. You never know. Your vote could make the difference. Especially with no one everyone on the ballot.