SOUTH CANADA – As tensions ramp up in the previously peaceful region of northern North America, the tiny nation of South Canada is moving to solidify its relationship with another nearby territory of diminutive size. The landlocked South Canada is expected to sign a trade agreement with the island territory of Saint Pierre and Miquelon as early as next week. The move comes after negotiations stalled between South Canada and its two closest neighboring nations.
“We’re very excited about this partnership,” said South Canadian Treasury Secretary Alan E. Fletcher. “Obviously our first thought was to build a relationship with the U.S. since we have so many historic ties to that great nation. For instance, did you know that until just last year we were a part of the United States? It’s true. But when we tried to speak to someone in Washington, well, how can I put this politely. Let’s just say it reminded us of why we left in the first place.”
“Naturally our next step was to contact Canada, who seem like they could use a new trading partner these days, but apparently Quebec is signing some sort of special agreement with Vermont already, and we didn’t have enough gas to get to Ottawa to ask anyone there, so we sort of gave up on that idea. But then it hit me! There’s another potential ally around here, and they need what we’ve got!”
The tiny islands of Saint Pierre and Miquelon together make up a self-governing territorial overseas collectivity of France, situated off the coast of Newfoundland. While still under French control, they do have some autonomy in terms of local trade, and are eager to enter a relationship with South Canada.
“We were skeptical at first, no?” said Pierre Rouette, a former dancer and member of the Territorial Council. “Who has heard of this South Canada? But then, ah my friend, we heard about their currency, and we knew finally how we were going to begin the expansion of our territory. If there is one thing an island needs, it is land, no?”
Details of the agreement are still being hammered out, but it is expected that Saint Pierre and Miquelon will provide a number of goods and resources to South Canada in exchange for a steady flow of South Canadian currency.
As an environmental analyst and economist, I urge South Canada to do a careful evaluation of the future of both their financial reserves and their primary resource. I’ve run some preliminary numbers, and depending on the rate at which exchange takes place, South Canada could run out of reserves before the end of the 21st century- and that is taking into account a conservative trade agreement. In addition, they may find themselves living in houseboats, as removal of their primary resource will create a significant negative space in the South Canadian landscape. That negative space will inevitably fill with water, as one impact of global warming on this area has been large increases in annual rainfall. This is not necessarily an economic drawback. South Canada’s elevation gives it considerable protection from rising sea levels, while waterfront property safe from tidal surges may well rise in value, enhancing South Canada’s fiscal situation over time. Add to this a projected increase in tourists attracted to the new lake, and it could be a winner overall for the South Canadian economy. Just be sure to plan for this eventuality by building lots of houseboats and houses on poles. Skiffs and kayaks for transportation needs would be a good idea, as well. I would be happy to work with South Canada in developing a long term economic plan, should they desire.