NORTH POLE – Children all over the world were relieved this morning to find presents under their trees, as the North Pole enters into day four of a total shutdown. The standoff between Santa and over 800,000 elves is largely due to an inability between the two sides to agree over funding for Santa’s own Christmas present. The lifetime head of the operation is demanding an addition be built onto his cottage, while the elves insist that they make toys, not walls. The shutdown came as a huge blow to the elves, already struggling with layoffs and poor workshop conditions.
Santa has not left the workshop since banishing the elves late last week, even going so far as to tweet a photo of himself with the naughty list, saying “I am all alone (poor me) in the Workshop waiting for the Elves to come back and make a deal on desperately needed third bedroom. At some point the Elves not wanting to make a deal will cost Christmas more trouble than the roof and walls we are all talking about. Crazy!”
Fortunately for most children, the elves had almost everything ready to go for this year, including a back-up sleigh driver trained for emergencies such as a sick Kringle or unforeseen delays. “We only had a few things left to build,” says head elf Jingle Bill, “and what we couldn’t make in time we picked up at Target on our way out. No kid goes without a present. But if we don’t get back in there and start prepping for next year, well, 2019 might not be very merry.”
A GoFundMe page has been set up by an anonymous elf to hire outside contractors to build Santa’s walls, but due to the highly confidential location of the workshop, it is unclear if anyone but an elf will be allowed in to do the construction. “Look, if he wants it made out of gingerbread, we got it covered,” says Jingle Bill, “but if he wants brick and mortar, he’s gonna have to do it himself. He’s not kidding when he’s tweeting that he’s all alone in there. He’s got pretty much no one left. Merry Christmas.”