BURLINGTON – When Burlington police officers arrested Derek Spilman back in January on charges relating to the sale of marijuana, he promised never to sell the drug ever again. But now the courts are realizing they should have been more specific. Spilman was arrested again last night in Brattleboro for dealing in single-use plastic items such as grocery bags and straws.
“We were acting on an anonymous tip,” said Brattleboro officer Miranda Wright. “It was incredible what we found in there. Plastic garbage bags, shopping bags, straws, cutlery, you name it. He had been operating in plain sight, right in front of our noses for months.”
Spilman’s arrest did not herald good times for all of his customers, some of whom came to his defense publicly.
“Have you ever tried drinking kombucha out of a metal bottle?” asked one supporter outside the courthouse. “I don’t want a metallic taste when I’m enjoying my slightly alcoholic health benefits! Gross!”
“I just needed something to put my trash in!” cried another commenter, who has since been identified as Bridget Tufar of Guilford. An internet mob quickly formed after Tufar’s comments, and she was accused of not recycling and/or composting everything she was not currently using. Tufar was later fired from her job at Maplefields due to her “wasteful behavior and inappropriate comments.”
Police warn that, if the current statewide proposal banning single-use plastics is signed into law, more criminal activity could spring up. Residents are cautioned to never buy any plastic from a stranger or anywhere besides a state-approved licensed plastic retailer.