WASHINGTON – The Democratic Party made a cryptic announcement on July 4 that has rocked the political world: “Senator Bernie Sanders has undergone a potentially dangerous and still experimental ‘Mind Meld’ with Kamala Harris and Elizabeth Warren.”
The Winooski has subsequently learned that scientists at a secret US laboratory in the nation of Georgia have perfected the “Mind Meld”. “Forty years ago this was the stuff of sci-fi,” said Gregory Nyetshov, Director of Mind-Altering Research at the lab. “We actually got preliminary plans for how this might be done from notes Gene Roddenberry left in the drawer of his night stand.” Readers will recall the number of gadgets often featured as standard fare on the original “Star Trek” series, Roddenberry’s creation. “From their communicators to their phasers, you don’t think that stuff was all just made up, do you?” said Nyetshov.
Psychologists have been working as hard on the “Mind Meld” as physicists have been working on the transporters that enabled persons to travel molecularly around the galaxy in the 1960’s show. “We won,” boasted Natasha Flamingorsky, chief of therapy on the project. The three candidates agreed to the “Meld”, as they are calling it, following last week’s debates.
“This shows how desperate the Dem’s are,” said Vice President Mike Pence on hearing the news. “They know that no one of them can defeat the greatest president this country has ever had – Donald Trump,” exclaimed Pence as he donned a red “MAGA” cap.
Democratic Party Chair Tom Perez sees it differently. “The strategy is brilliant and we are so grateful that science has brought us to this point. We plan to run Bernie as a conglomerate, a candidate that brings the Sanders’ passion, Warren’s policy chops and Harris’ ability to win us California in one complete package. The real winners in this will be the American people.”
So top-secret was this operation that only one other Democratic Campaign was even aware of it. Joe Biden learned of the Mind Meld through his own personal fiber optic network, and while he would not comment personally, an anonymous member of his campaign confirmed: “He is not pleased!” We have not yet learned the identity of the “melder”, but will continue to probe…
Okay, first of all, it was the transporter, not the tractor beam, that enabled persons to travel around the galaxy. And “conglomerate Bernie” will just be diagnosed with multiple personality disorder…which may or may not win over more voters. But I think you may expect The Wrath of Khan on this one. Loved the picture, though. Live Long and Prosper!
Of course you’re right. We have fired our future fact checkers.