BURLINGTON – New figures from Vermont’s Religious Data, Demographics, and Statistics Survey confirm what many Creemeelites have said for years, Maple Creemee consumers are the fastest growing demographic in Vermont.
The survey suggests that people already familiar with Cree-mee culture tend to stick with what they grew up with but by a wide margin new believers gravitate toward Maple. “I never thought I’d like maple flavored soft serve, er, I mean Maple Creemees” said recent convert Donald Lee as he was waiting in line at a creemee stand by the Burlington Waterfront. “I came to visit my nephew who lives up in the town of Georgia, which is ironic since I live in the state of Georgia, and he introduced me to the beliefs of the Maples. From the first taste I knew I could never go back to my plain old vanilla.”
“Since our formation, the Church of Maples has maintained a progressive, flavor based doctrine that welcomes people of all palates.” says Erin Clinton, the head of the Maples. Clinton believes that the openness and acceptance by the church accounts for the increase in membership. “We don’t care if you’ve ordered Vanilla, Chocolate, or even mixed the two. We’re united by our love of Creemees and that’s what’s most important. We believe sharing this love will only bring more people through our doors.”
Not everyone believes the trends indicated in the survey will continue though. “There is only one true Creemee flavor, and that is Vanilla” says Church of Immaculate Pasteurization acolyte Jack Armour, “The Vanillaite Doctorine has endured since the beginning of Creemees and it will endure long after this Maple fad passes.”
The state’s other major flavor faith, the Chocolatiers, has taken the survey in stride. “It doesn’t really change things for us” says Master Chocolatier Burt Andrews. “We have our beliefs but we’re all under the same Creemee roof. Erin and I have a great relationship and get together at least once a week for Creemees. Sometimes I’ll order a Maple and she’ll order a chocolate just for fun. They’re both great flavors.” Asked if the he and Clinton ever get in debates about which flavor is better Andrews smiled and said “Not everyone realizes but the original Cree-mee was chocolate. I think that’s a good enough argument in itself.”
Erin could not have said it better – while we embrace maple, our members are united by the love of Creemees – whether white, dark chocolate or maple brown. Heck, we even welcome the hard ice cream believers, even better if it is maple (with, or without, walnuts). Members of the frozen yogurt congregation, however, are heretics and should be burned at the stake.