20 Trees Worth of Paper Consumed by Newspaper Articles About Removal of 17 Burlington Trees

BURLINGTON – Between the Burlington Free Press, Seven Days, and a few other local publications, an estimated 20 trees have now been destroyed in the printing of articles about the protesters trying to save 17 trees in Burlington’s City Hall Park. To some tree defenders this news came as a terrible shock, and threw one local protest group into turmoil.

“What have we done?!” shouted one protester upon learning of the environmental impact of their campaign. “And that probably doesn’t even count the piles and piles of paperwork from the injunctions and lawsuits that we’ve filed. Oh God! In trying to protect nature, have we instead sentenced it to death? Have we become the monsters that we have fought against for so long? How could we have been so blind?! HOW?!”

The members of Keep the Park Green (KPG) ultimately voted to cease all protests until better, less destructive methods could be found to share their opinions. While the majority ruled in the group, some members were not happy with the decision, including KPG co-founder Maya Wayonli who has renewed her efforts to stop the construction of the new park.

“So 20 trees died, who cares? Those weren’t my trees,” Wayonli told reporters at a press conference she called on her lawn. “This isn’t about saving all trees, this is about stopping Burlington from changing. For better or for worse, can’t we agree that everything should just stay exactly the way it is now? Which is why I am announcing a new off-shoot of my old, traitorous organization. My new group will be called Keep a Green Burlington, and we won’t stop fighting until every tree in town is safe. Go chop something in Winooski if you have to chop something.”

Wayonli, who recently handcuffed herself to a random human in the park, promised that she and the new members of Keep a Green Burlington would stop at nothing to prevent any city improvements of any kind going forward, and had secured some federal funding to aid her cause. “I think it helps legitimize us,” she said. “I was thrilled to get the grant. It turns out that the White House is very excited to help the KGB.”

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