Pirates Hijack F-35s Before Burlington Arrival

SOUTH BURLINGTON – A group of sky pirates, possibly acting in conjunction with local protesters, has boarded and taken control of two F-35 fighter jets that were scheduled to arrive at Burlington International Airport in South Burlington today. It is not yet clear what type of vessel the pirates were flying that allowed them to pull up alongside the advanced stealth aircrafts, but both pilots were equipped with parachutes and landed safely in Lake Champlain.

“Arrrr, we be takin’ these planes fer the common good, we arrrrr,” the hijackers said in a message over the F-35’s secure comm channels. “It be comin’ to arrrrr attention that these here planes be a public nuisance, and worth a pile o’ doubloons t’boot. If’n ye be plannin’ to bring more o’ these fancy sky boats arrrr way, we’ll be takin’ them too. An’ if’n ye need be findin’ us, we arrrrn’t harrrrd t’find. These here’re the loudest stealth ships we’ve everrrrrr hearrrrd!”

Authorities believe the pirates phrasing of “comin’ to arrrrr attention” may point to a connection with some recent protest groups that have vigorously opposed the F-35s on the basis that they will certainly destroy the surrounding neighborhoods. The Vermont Air National Guard had been on high alert for any possible sabotage of the planes on the ground, but had not been prepared for sky pirates.

“Unfortunately we were not able to coordinate an immediate response to the hijacking,” said guard member Hugh Cairs. “The pirates flew the planes back and forth over our offices several times, rendering us unable to hear each other, and permanently damaging the hearing of more than half of our unit.”

“Ahoy, skylubbers!” the hijackers said in what was their final communication before streaking away into the northern sky. “Ye’ve been warrrrned. Fly no more o’these cloudboats arrrrr way, or me crew’ll be takin’ ’em as well, and you’ll be sleepin’ in Amelia Earhart’s locker!”

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