Local Climate Denier Breaks Down and Joins Climate Strike After Sweating a Little

BURLINGTON – Jacob Toose has always scoffed at the notion that the planet is warming at a dangerous level, despite 100% confirmation from all scientists not being paid to find contrary evidence. The idea of joining a climate strike seemed preposterous to him, even a few weeks ago, but after sweating a little last evening while doing yard work, Toose has decided that maybe all the facts, data, and evidence were not completely untrue.

“My kids used t’gimme a hard time about it,” Toose says. “But I’d tell ’em, hey, if the planet’s so dang hot, why do I got my heat on in April? They tried to gimme some nonsense about my personal experience not being indicative of overall global trends, and that sounds like made-up sciencey stuff to me. But then, wouldn’tcha know it, here we are getting towards late September, and I’m actually kinda warm. Even sweating a little. And they say it’s gonna be 80-something on Sunday. Well that’s not okay! We got to stop this thing! I don’t wanna be hot in September!”

Toose plans to take a long lunch today and meet up in Burlington with other people who are also concerned about the climate change (8 in 10 Americans according to the most recent polling). He says he hopes his boss will understand, even though on Monday Toose spent his lunch break mocking climate activists on Facebook.

“I guess I’d owe ’em an apology,” said Toose, “if I knew who any of ’em were. You think some of them might be at the thingy today? They did seem awful concerned about the planet and such. I’m not so concerned about the planet myself, but I’m startin’ to get pretty worried about Vermont. I’m hoping to hear some things today, some stuff maybe we can all do to make sure that Vermont is okay, even if the rest of the planet burns up. Maybe start composting or something?”

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