Vermont Changes Official Stance on Climate Change, Embraces Impending Doom

MONTPELIER – As climate change caused by rampant human ennui continues to ravage the planet in non-Vermont places, Governor Phil Scott has reversed the state’s official stance on climate change, moving from “concerned about” to “embraces.” The controversial move came after the governor previously called climate change a potential economic boon for the state, and has now moved solidly into the “pro” camp where the end of humanity is concerned.

“Please don’t misconstrue my comments,” Governor Scott said this week as he shoveled coal into a fire pit in his backyard. “I certainly don’t hope for the death of any human being. I just hope that when their homes and communities are completely obliterated by mega-storms, rising sea levels, increasing wildfires, and deadly heat, that they can safely and securely make their way to Vermont where we have plenty of room for them.”

Several new tourism slogans have been bandied around, including “Vermont: Hurricane Free For 8 Years!” and “Mountains Are The New Beaches.” The final approved slogan that was eventually chosen is “Vermont: Keeping Our Climate From Changing For Decades,” and features a white family on a farm standing next to cow, waving and smiling as they hold glasses full of maple syrup.

“We’re very excited about the possibilities that worldwide devastation can bring to the state,” said state tourism vice-director Taris Trapp. “We’ve done our part in combating climate change, but since no one else wants to take part in saving the planet, let’s lean into it. It might even be time to rethink that dome.”