NORTH POLE – The frozen north is in some hot water this week after an anonymous whistleblower from the North Pole has stepped forward to accuse Santa Claus of racial profiling. The elf has produced written evidence showing that they were directed to check more frequently on white males, especially those serving in Congress.
The beloved toymaker has yet to respond to the accusations which, if true, could threaten his centuries-old operation. His workshop did release a statement, however, refuting the claims.
“Our elves are directed to look more closely at people who have been on the naughty list before, or who have been close to making the list in the past,” the press release read. “It is true that a disproportionate number of those people seem to be white men serving as Senators or Congressmen in various levels of government, but we can assure you that we in no way take into account their race, gender, age, color, religion, or country of origin while investigating cases of naughtiness. Only their actions.”
White people make up only about 30% of the global population, but account for 68% of the naughty list, and males are likewise over-represented, with 64% of the naughty list spots despite being around half of humanity. Santa’s Workshop said they use a random sample each day and night to determine who is being naughty, and that those on the nice list get fewer follow up visits.
“It’s obviously rigged,” said anonymous naughty lister Mitch M. from Kentucky. “Most of the things that have placed folks on the naughty list aren’t actually naughty. And if they are naughty, the context isn’t being considered. Sometimes people have to do naughty things in order to make the world nicer. So naughty things are always naughty. And obviously, some people should get an exemption from the list anyway. There’s huge bias going on here, and I don’t believe Santa exists anyway. Why isn’t Santa on the naughty list? That’s the real question here. Why is no one asking about when he refused a job to a reindeer based on nasal skin color? Lock him up! Lock him up!”
Santa Claus himself has promised to respond to the complaints in the new year, but claims to have a very busy week coming up.
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