BURLINGTON – With the resignation of seventeen more acting police chiefs over the past few days, the job of overseeing Burlington’s law enforcement has fallen to Detective Carl Mudgeon, a 35 year veteran of the force who has never previously sought the position. Mudgeon says he doesn’t particularly want the job, but he is one of only a few officers left who have not resigned, and he is the only one without any sort of social media access.
“I guess I’m the new chief now,” Mudgeon told our reporter. “I was gonna send out a press release, but you gotta do it online now, and I can’t get the googles to work. Can’t even get this damn thing turned on. Now why the hell is that triangle blinking?! Am I supposed to click something? This computer can go **** itself.”
Despite taking a required computer literacy course when the department upgraded its systems years ago, Acting Chief Mudgeon claims to have slept through the classes and is unable or unwilling to access the internet. He plans to shift the filing systems back to a paper based system, and hopes to phase out computers altogether.
“Frankly, I’m not sure what they’re good for,” Mudgeon said of computers. “S’far’s I can tell, they spy on you, make you angry, and get you fired. Ain’t nothing I ever done here in Burlington I needed a computer for. Talkin’ to people, helpin’ the residents, stoppin’ the bad guys, how does staring at a screen all day help me do that? Buncha ****in’ zombies around here. But not no more. From now on, you wanna fight with someone, you do it in person, with your real name, and your real fists. Anybody gotta problem with that, they can file a complaint. The forms are the yellow ones over there on that desk. We’re open 24 hours.”
Mayor Cactus has yet to respond to Mudgeon’s proposed changes, although City Hall reports that after years of failed, soft leadership, they have specifically chosen someone a little more prickly.