MONTPELIER – The state of Vermont has sent a basket of fruit and cheese to the leaders of Iran, with a note explaining that their state was not responsible for the recent attack that killed Iranian general Qassem Soleimani. The basket was paid for equally by Gov. Phil Scott, Sen. Bernie Sanders, Sen. Patrick Leahy, and Rep. Peter Welch, after the other three sent Venmo payments to Rep. Welch.
“Normally when we declare war on someone, Congress gets to have some input,” read the note. “In this case, we had nothing to do with it, and we are very sorry for your loss. As you plan your revenge and mobilize for war against America, we ask that you remember us, and how we had no say in the matter at all.”
The note went on to explain how wars are supposed to work in America, and how most government processes are currently out of order. There was some reassurance that, if proper channels are followed, Vermont could eventually vote to start a war with Iran that would destabilize the entire Middle East, but at this time it just isn’t a possibility.
Iran has not responded officially to the gift basket, but instead has been tweeting out messages of vengeance against all Americans for the better part of the day.