Burlington City Council to Host Book Burning in Front of Controversial Mural

BURLINGTON – The Burlington City Council voted last night to burn most of the books in the Fletcher Free Library in a large bonfire that will serve to melt away the evil “Everyone Loves a Parade” mural. The decision was made after residents expressed the opinion that art should not make anyone feel upset, and especially public art owned by the city. A thorough examination was made of all the books owned publicly by the city, and every single one was found to be insensitive or non-inclusive in some way.

“This is a great step forward for Burlington,” said Councilor Sarah Carpenter (D-Ward 4), who voted to support the removal of both the mural and all the books in the public library. “I’m sure there are people who are entertained by all the fat-shaming in Harry Potter, but art should not be hurtful. Any book that makes anyone feel bad needs to be destroyed. Can we really ever enjoy art, knowing that someone else doesn’t like it? And using the fire from the books to take down the mural will save residents money.”

Councilor Brian Pine (P-Ward 3) agreed with Carpenter, saying, “Art is not subjective. It is right there in front of you to see. We all see the same thing. It’s not like the mural or the books change what they are just because someone else is taking them in. And have you seen how racist some of these books are? Mark Twain? Shakespeare? They have to go, before anyone else is offended by them. I was reading ‘Go Dog Go’ the other day, and it just amazed me how the male dog repeatedly belittled the female dog’s hat, and then at the end he says one nice thing and is forgiven! Just like that! No reparations, no apologies even, I mean, what kind of lesson is that for our children?”

The only dissenting vote was Councilor Joan Shannon (D-South District), who agreed that the books were a problem, but felt that the winter would be a better time for the bonfire.

“I just don’t get it,” Shannon said during the meeting. “Why not wait until winter when we could use the heat, and save our Church Street businesses a couple of bucks on their gas bills? Plus, it seems like we have a lot of other pressing matters to worry about these days, don’t we?”

Ultimately the council decided that the art and literature was far more damaging to the community than the current pandemic, and voted 11-1 in favor of the book burning. They ran out of time to discuss a related issue, but have promised to give priority next meeting for a discussion about which television shows are too homophobic, sexist, and racist, to allow Netflix and Hulu to stream locally any longer, specifically all of them.

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4 Comments

    • It’s just hard to find any religious people in Burlington, witches or otherwise. Maybe we could import some!

      • Good idea, but not practical. You would need a waiver from the Governor, otherwise they would have to quarantine for 14 days before we could burn ’em.

  1. Congrats to The Winooski for properly exposing the politically correct Groupthink of the new Burlington City Council.

    The weak cannot be allowed to think for themselves! Independent thought is dangerous! Non-sanctioned art is dangerous! Open the Reeducation Camps for the Counterrevolutionaries!

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