White House Plans to Fatten the Curve

WASHINGTON – At first glance it would not seem that the present occupant of the White House would need any fattening, but that depends on where, and how closely one looks. You may recall that last November, the president went for “an unscheduled visit” to Walter Reed National Military Hospital. He explained to the nation that he “had some extra time,” and wanted to get a headstart on his annual physical exam.

But a trusted White House source reported that the first lady had noticed a slight facial drooping, and encouraged him to have it checked out. A head MRI, done on November 16, 2019 demonstrated significant shrinkage and flattening of both amygdalae.

(The amygdalae (> Gr. amygdala, almond) are two almond-shaped clusters of neuronal nuclei deep within the temporal lobes of the brain, and which play a primary role in the processing of memory, decision-making and emotional response, including fear, anxiety, and aggression.)

All almond eaters among us know that they will occasionally find a “double almond”, with a smaller, flatter, yet still brown-surfaced almondette, curved and clinging to the side of its fully developed partner. It is easily separable as a dwarf stand-alone. That comparison was a major part of the Walter Reed radiology report.

The White House assumed correctly that the whole amygdala story would be Greek to an uncomprehending public who can barely read English (“I love the poorly educated.” DT February 24, 2016) — and the medical results were hidden as a matter of confidentiality and national security. Nevertheless, the president’s medical team made the following recommendation: “The president’s amygdalae must be fattened up toward the pleasant curve of a mature and well-developed almond.”

While he does not tolerate much change to his normal diet, one of his Secret Service valets, reported off the record, that his assignment was to add chocolate-covered almonds to the president’s golf course trail mix.

In addition, Hope Hicks, counselor to the president, collaborating with Kayleigh McEnany, his new “Superwoman” press secretary, have told Mark Meadows, the president’s new Chief of Staff, that they will continue adding almond milk to their boss’s Coke. Though it discolors the original, when he drinks it without knowing, via a Trump straw from an opaque McDonalds Supersize cup (32 oz.), the president is, as another one of his Secret Service valets put it, “happy as a pig in s***.”

Let us hope that fattening the (almond) curve may lead to surprisingly bright national and international outcomes.

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