Masks and the Alfred E. Neuman Effect

BURLINGTON – The effect of wearing masks is already beginning to manifest in children born in China. OBGYNs expect the phenomenon to show up in the US beginning in late November and early December of this year – Babies born with abnormally large ears that stick out from their heads.

“All this mask wearing is pushing our ears out and the stress on the back of our ears is causing the cartilage to expand,” says University of Vermont’s Dr. Nora Headwing. Headwing is part of a team that studies repeated habits on human DNA. “What is shocking,” she admits, “is the speed with which our genes are adjusting.”

The team has studied people who spend hours each day typing at computer terminals. “We haven’t seen any signs of fingers growing longer,” says Edmund Palmy, PhD, a member of the team. “And we thought the current crop of aging baby boomers’ grandchildren should have bulging eyeballs given the hours their grandparents spent watching television.”

The obvious question and one that puzzles the experts is this: Why is this phenomenon of big ears extending out from our skulls happening so quickly? “That’s the mystery we are trying to wrap our heads around,” admits Headwing.

Experts have named the condition the “Alfred E. Neuman Syndrome.” “Perhaps our bodies are recognizing that we are in this for the long haul and we are going to need ears that can withstand the constant pressure of holding up face masks,” speculates Headwing.

Scientists are conflicted. “Should we be working to develop a vaccine to prevent this, or will big, strong ears be the new ‘six-pack’? This could potentially be more devastating than the virus itself,” laments Palmy, who couldn’t resist quoting Scripture: “Those who have ears … well, you know…”

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