The results are in! If you’re wondering how your town voted this year on that contentious ballot item, look no further than The Winooski. Here are the final numbers on the hottest races in the state!
BRATTLEBORO – For the first time ever, the town of Brattleboro opened up voting to all residents, regardless of age. Children as young as four were lining up to vote on Tuesday, as the town passed new initiatives raising both bedtimes and allowances.
BURLINGTON – In a surprising move, the city of Burlington voted to abolish Church Street and let it die a slow, natural death rather than shore it up and improve it. “Who are we improving it FOR?” asked one voter on their way out of the polling place. “Shoppers? Tourists? The upper middle class? I don’t think so. Hard pass.”
CABOT – The high school in Cabot will remain open for both students currently in attendance. Many residents had sought to close the school, wondering about the expense of running a high school for just two students, but the town has agreed to let those last two just finish it out for now. Once they’ve graduated a new ballot item will be presented.
FAIRFIELD – In addition to electing a Grand Juror, despite not having a courthouse, the town of Fairfield also elected their first Lord High Executioner. While the death penalty is not legal in Vermont, the elected role of Town Agent will still be gathering secret information on town residents for the Lord High Executioners “list.”
MONTPELIER – A new measure passed in Montpelier will require landlords to make their rental properties “decent,” leading the majority of the local landlords to immediately send out “no-cause” terminations of tenancy and closing up shop. “They’re asking us to make the places renters live as nice as the places we live,” said one landlord. “That’s just not feasible.”
WINOOSKI – Residents in Winooski narrowly approved a measure that will see the construction of a $10M garage. A previous ballot item had asked for monies to build a two car garage, but voters shot down the $18M proposal last year. This new garage, while not able to hold more than one car, will offer increased storage space for bicycles and will come in at just over half the cost of the larger structure.
Fairfield at least elected a personage of noble rank and title. Is his/her name Mick Addo?
How did you know?! He just beat out 70’s singer Gilbert O’Sullivan.
Well, I hope at least he is the very model of a modern major general.