The Winooski

The Winooski

Locally Sourced Organic Vermont Satire

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Month: July 2018

Vermonters Not Constitutionally Guaranteed U.S. Citizenship

July 11, 2018 The Winooski 2

WASHINGTON DC – A federal court found this week that people born in Vermont are not guaranteed U.S. citizenship by the Constitution. After a lengthy […]

VT Delegation Opposes Dolores Umbridge as SCOTUS Nominee

July 10, 2018 The Winooski 0

WASHINGTON DC – Vermont’s delegation in Washington had some harsh words for U.S. President Donald Trump’s pick for the Supreme Court position soon to be […]

Winner Crowned On “Vermont’s Next Top Model”

July 9, 2018 The Winooski 0

MONTPELIER – After many rounds of competition, grueling interviews, skimpy swimsuits, and maple syrup-drinking contests, a winner has finally been crowned as Vermont’s “Next Top […]

Syrup & Cows #057 – 7/8/18

July 8, 2018 The Winooski 0

Image Credits: Connor Byam.

Governor Vetoes Measure That Would Provide Dihydrogen Monoxide Detectors to All Vermonters

July 7, 2018 The Winooski 3

MONTPELIER – After the shocking reports last year of dihydrogen monoxide contamination in Lake Champlain, the Vermont Senate began work on a bill that would […]

Evangelical Christians Advocate for Mowing Down Jaywalkers

July 6, 2018 The Winooski 0

BARRE – Police have begun investigating a series of traffic near misses between vehicles and pedestrians that have been occurring over the past several weeks […]

STUDY: Fireworks Look Better On Mobile Devices

July 5, 2018 The Winooski 0

BURLINGTON – A survey of attendees at the annual Independence Day Fireworks Show on Burlington’s waterfront concluded that 86% of people prefer to look at […]

America Holds Last Independence Day Celebration Before Second Civil War

July 4, 2018 The Winooski 11

RUTLAND – Vermonters all across the state joined in with millions of Americans to celebrate the final birthday of what had been known as the […]

Church Gives Out Free Marijuana at “Bake” Sale

July 3, 2018 The Winooski 0

SHELBURNE – Trinity Episcopal Church has hit upon a new fund raising plan that has seen them raise thousands of dollars in just one afternoon, […]

Emergency Case of Summer Confirmed by Government

July 2, 2018 The Winooski 0

MONTPELIER – Vermonters were thrust into emergency mode late Friday afternoon. It was as unexpected as it was frightening. “I was out spreading manure,” said […]

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