The Winooski

The Winooski

Locally Sourced Organic Vermont Satire

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Month: September 2018

Proctor School Asks for Soccer Field, Gets Turnip Field Due to Mis-Communication

September 10, 2018 The Winooski 0

RUTLAND – The Proctor High School boys’ and girls’ soccer coaches were shocked when they arrived on the first day of practice on what they thought […]

Syrup & Cows #066 – 9/9/18 – That’s Fair

September 9, 2018 The Winooski 0

Image Credits: Connor Byam.

Local Parents Publicly Shout Lies to Their Children

September 8, 2018 The Winooski 0

BURLINGTON – A group of local parents spent Saturday morning at a public park shouting lies to their children in front of a crowd of […]

Letter to the Editor of The Winooski From the Merpeople of Lake Champlain

September 7, 2018 Jill Allen 2

Late Wednesday evening, human Burlingtonian and fan of The Winooski Ethel Merman discovered a notice scrawled on a piece of driftwood from our heretofore unknown ichthyoid […]

South Canadians Struggle to Choose Derogatory Nickname for Vermonters

September 6, 2018 The Winooski 1

SOUTH CANADA – When Vermonters travel to Mexico, they are “gringos,” and in England they are “yanks.” If they travel to southern states they are […]

Liberals Burn Their Ice Cream After Ben & Jerry’s Releases Mike Pence-Themed Flavor

September 5, 2018 The Winooski 1

SOUTH BURLINGTON – Ben and Jerry’s, considered by many to be a left-leaning company, has released a new ice cream flavor bearing the name and […]

Phil Scott to Identify as Transgender for the November Election

September 4, 2018 The Winooski 0

MONTPELIER – After a wave of national support for Vermont’s Democratic candidate for governor, current governor and Republican nominee Phil Scott has announced that he […]

Vermont Bird Watchers Discover New Type of Bird, Dubbed the “Jeezum Crow”

September 3, 2018 Jill Allen 2

ADDISON – State ornithologist Robin Redd preempted local access television programming across the state yesterday to confirm what many Vermont natives have long suspected: that […]

Syrup & Cows #065 – 9/2/18 – Lookin’ Low

September 2, 2018 The Winooski 0

Image Credits: Connor Byam.

Following Vermont’s Lead, Trump Declares Moscow “U.S. Capitol For a Day”

September 1, 2018 The Winooski 1

WASHINGTON DC – Phil Scott, the Republican governor of Vermont, has been spending his summer traveling the state in what he calls the “Vermont Capitol […]

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